eyelashes

 I caught myself staring at her eyelashes. Long, black, covered in mascara, a striking contrast to her icy blond hair. She was absorbed in looking lovingly at the baby strapped in a carrier to her chest. His dopey expression as he bounced around was almost comical. 

It hit me like a smack in the face. My eyelashes! That's why I couldn't have this, any of this. The baby, strength to hold said baby... 

I started to shrink into myself. My godmother introduced us and I smiled politely behind my N95 mask, thoughts whirling. 

My eyelashes were mere stubs. I'd pulled them out once my hair started to fall out from this round of chemo so they wouldn't start falling into my eyes. This was my third round of chemotherapy in as many years. The same number of years we'd been married and childless. We had just started talking about trying to get pregnant when I got sick for the first time. 

The logismoi started to taunt me again, pointing out the contrast between us. She reflected youth, health, vitality. I felt like a walking corpse. For months now, I'd heard the cruel whispers in my mind: Other women your age can grow babies. You can only grow tumors. While women all around me got pregnant and started to show signs of new life germinating in their bodies, my insides only seemed capable of producing abnormality and corruption, fueling long-held fears of inferiority and worthlessness in comparison to other women. 

She was young and cute, no denying it. So young-looking, in fact... Is she wearing a retainer?? Meanwhile, I stood pondering, body battered and scarred. I was most definitely older than this girl - sorry, woman. I felt like I'd lived a lifetime in three years while simultaneously feeling like someone had pressed "pause" on our lives. 

I watched her through my nearly lashless eyes as she bid us goodbye and walk away, lugging her baby and taking her long, beautiful eyelashes with her. 

I died. I came back to life again. Shouldn't that mean something? Maybe? 

Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? - Romans 7:24